The Year I Stopped Living

2014 was the year that I drowned.

No, I didn't literally drown. But I sank.

Sank deep under. 

Somewhere along the way on this journey called life, I lost myself. I got swallowed up. Swallowed up by life. By children. By a husband. By a business. By all the everyday tasks. Swallowed up so completely, that I no longer recognized myself. And after being swallowed up, I sank. Sank right to the bottom.

Do you know what it's like at the bottom, have you been there?

I have.

 

It's dark.

It's lonely.

Sometimes it's foggy.

Sometimes it's quiet.

Sometimes there doesn't seem to be an end to the words you can hear.

There's moments of sinking to the bathroom floor with body racking sobs.

Moments of sitting on the floor between your bed and closet doors with tears streaming down your face.

Moments when you want nothing more than to cry, but there are no tears. No sobs. Just blankness.

I lived for months in a deep depression. Day in and day out I moved through life in a fog, feeling as though I was just floating through life.

I wanted nothing more than to just disappear. I didn't feel it would matter anyways. I already felt invisible. I didn't matter. I was nothing.

I wished that I would die. I wanted to be dead. I already felt empty, dead inside. 

I didn't speak up. I didn't speak out. I didn't share.

I was hiding myself. Always second guessing myself. Convincing myself that what I had to share wasn't good enough. Or that someone would perceive what I was sharing in a way differently than I intended it to be. So I stayed hidden.

I had surrendered my life to others. Given up my control.

But I never gave up completely. I did not die. 

There was always some small air hole I could not see, giving me just enough oxygen to hang on.

There were three little faces that made me hang on. Get through one more day. One more week. Month.

I've been kicking like crazy, pushing and clawing my way out. Searching for more air holes. Searching for me.

2015 has been the year that I've taken back my life. Taken back my control. Slowly but surely.

Creating a new journey. Or maybe finally finding the journey I was supposed to be on all along. A journey to find me. To soothe my soul. To become what I didn't know I wanted to be. 

What do you want to be?